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Day 3

I’m pretty shapely.  Everyday I enjoy doing a little something to get me moving.  Today it was a hike and tomorrow I’ll be jogging with a friend.  Still, in conventional terms, I walk on the wide side.

Things look great in front of the bedroom mirror, but when I step outside, sometimes I wish my body was different – flatter tummy, slimmer thighs, toned arms, less rounded cheeks, and maybe a general ‘pulled together’ look from top to bottom.  Thankfully the list stops there and I don’t get this feeling very often.

This morning, while giving mum a hug, she commented that I had gained weight.  That was a trigger for me, and it sent me off to the Land of Broken Promises to Diet.  The morning started off with a good wholesome breakfast.  I planned to have a salad for lunch and for dinner perhaps lots of fruits and end it with something light.  By 11am, I was eating for an army.  An hour after lunch, I ate for the army on the other side.

Whenever I lose a bit of weight and someone comments on it, the same pattern emerges.  I would eat more and start to gain the weight back (and then some).  It has come to a point that a standard Body Mass Index chart would categorise me as Obese.  I don’t look it.  I don’t feel it.  But ‘They’, the faceless collective of doctors and experts, say I’m halfway to the health issues of my lineage.

So let’s think about this for a minute.  I’m happy enough when I see my reflection.  The moment I step out into the world, I feel the pressure of my own judgement and comparisons.  Which means that I wasn’t really happy in the sanctuary of my bedroom in the first place.

It doesn’t seem that I can claim to accept myself, and want to change something about me at the same time.  To build my joy muscles, I would need to learn how to accept this moment and me, as it is and as I am.  Extra jiggles and all.

At the same time, I understand that my inclination to ‘feel better’ about my body is there because something is not quite aligned to how I intend to live my life.  The first step to always maintaining only a joyful mind is to be good.  What good am I being when I stuff myself like there’s no tomorrow, when I consume not food but the caloric-high sugar version of my anxiety, displeasure, past baggage and God knows what else?

Suddenly, eating well becomes the fight between good and evil.  So to me today, the lesson is a joyful mind is an ‘aware’ mind.  One that slows down to the speed of truth and healing.  How am I going to choose only goodness for my body?  What is goodness?  When is a little naughty okay?  I have the sense that it is not the food itself that is bad, but what I think about the food, and what I think the food brings me.

There seems to be more to joy than just being satisfied, happy and content.  On with the adventure.